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Records I bought included:
Emperor Tomato Ketchup, All Over You (Caravan re-recordings),
Number One hits in the UK: George Michael - Jesus
To A Child, Babylon Zoo - Spaceman, Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger, Take That
- How Deep Is Your Love, Prodigy - Firestarter, Mark Morrisson - Return Of The
Mack, George Michael - Fast Love, Gina G - Ooh, Aah, Just A Little Bit, Baddiel
And Skinner with The Lightning Seeds - Three Lions, Fugees - Killing Me Softly,
Gary Barlow - Forever Love, Spice Girls - Wannabe, Peter Andre - Flava, Fugees
- Ready or not, Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's, Chemical Brothers
- Setting Sun, Boyzone - Words, Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There, Robson and
Jerome - What becomes of the broken hearted, The Prodigy - Breathe, Peter Andre
- I Feel You, Boyzone - A Different Bear, Dunblane charity record - Knockin'
On Heaven's Door, Spice Girls - 2 Become 1
8/1:96 - 26/1/96: Cafe closed for decoration
12/1/96: Wind In The Willows at Festival Hall
15/2/96: Scanner arrived. S3 screen smashed again! Dieting, losing weight.
24/2/96: IKEA for blinds, CD drawers etc
1/3/96: Saw (!) neck specialist at Chase Farm. NFG.
6/3/96: Afro-Caribbean day at 1BH minus Marilyn
14/3/96: Dunblane massacre.
15/3/96: Marilyn leaves, I set up WinComm & Si dialled in to me!
16/3/96: Carpets cleaned, Nina Coltart pm
22/3/96: Cezanne at the Tate - BSE & CJD scares
22/3/96: In the dentist's antechamber, suffering panics
and yuk. Bloody cold today! The Carpenters on the radio slaughtering "Jambalaya"
as a pre-torture before the bloke gets his mitts in my gob. If you bend over
far enough, someone'll kick you. 10.10 and my appointment is at 10.30 - I could
be here for hours. And some little shit is making farty raspberry noises a couple
of rows away from me… It's fucking cold and miserable and so am I. The
"Universal church of the kingdom of God" are in the Rainbow, Vince
Power is in the Robey, and rock music is dead - as good as. I just had a Japanese
lunch from a suchi bar in Moorgate, that was nice.
Trying to untangle truth from hysteria in this new BSE/CJD scare. I like beef,
I don't want to give up eating it, so I'm looking for evidence of it being safe
and hoping the price will drop hugely as Mr and Mrs punter decide they don't
want to eat it. On the other hand, of course, the price could go UP if the convenience
food industry decides it's no longer going to buy mechanically-recovered shite
for their burgers. But the evidence seems to indicate that if anyone is going
to be infected then it already happened in the late 1980's and it's too late
to do anything about it now.
25/3/96: Scroedinger's Kittens, Lanwall systems & photocopier. I finished
the first proper draft of the script.
29/3/96: Painting the flat, Paul G out of Chanter. Tumble drier bust.
18/4/96: Went to see Rory Bremner recording his TV show
18/4/96: Yesterday Fergie and Andy were given a decree
nisi and "the duchess of York emerged from her Swiss chalet to announce
that it was the saddest day of her life, then returned to her skiing holiday".
22/4/96: I'm on a late (with Jon) so I have a little bit of a lie-in first.
And, speaking of Jon, I must say I strongly disagree with a lot of what he says
- particularly re "positive thinking" and the need to make "action plans" instead
of telling one's story... "Truth be known, they're just looking for husbands…
They all want to marry a doctor." Jon's opinion of student nurses...
27/4/96: Bowling and pizza with Georgious and Kermodes. Karaoke on TV, not very
good.
1/5/96: Bought Office 95 and MS Plus. Boiler dripping so serviced.
I hear that poor Annie Lennox only earned £1 million last
year, as opposed to £5 million the previous year. Oh dear, big aah for Annie.
I hope she goes bankrupt and never makes another record - actually, no, forget
the bankrupt bit, that's unnecessary. But she does embody all that is shite
and soul-less about "modern" music - her and Tina Turner and Mariah Carey and
all those who mistake vocal gyrations for honesty and talent. "Suddenly my heart
goes boo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooom" is probably my least favourite vocal line in the
history of music. Yuk. Awful.
10/5/96: Stanley Spencer play at National.
Re: 1BH - I feel I really ought to try (again) to get away from there. I feel
less and less comfortable with certain aspects of the new broom - on the one
hand we're in danger of being stifled by policies (food, music, etc)
and on the other hand the looseness and lack of boundaries re "members"
and therapy are, in my opinion (and I have discussed some of my disagreements
with Jon) counterproductive. I think the "music policy" is a silly
idea and if it hadn't come from S (Asian user) it wouldn't have been taken seriously.
And I do think Jon is being rather selective and choosy about who he has a relationship
to, client-wise. He seems to actively avoid the community meeting unless he's
got a predetermined agenda to talk about (and we're in danger of being snowed
under by pieces of paper as well - what does that imply about his confidence
and ability to hold on to ideas in a loose, undefined way), and he only seems
to relate to the higher functioning cafe users - S and P, to name the only two
I can think of at the moment. And JS isn't poisonous, he's just cantankerous!
I'm not saying Jon is "wrong" (unless he's saying he's "right")
but it's vital that we have different ideas/feelings/opinions, otherwise his
word becomes law and/or doctrine - and the music policy is something that he
decided would be done before we thrashed it around between the team!
No amount of "policies" will change personal taste. A policy may create
more space for someone else - albeit artificially and superficially - but it
doesn't change individuals. And that's what we ought to be dealing with at work,
surely? Trying to help change people! But Jon's not into "therapy"
- God, I resent his pronouncements!!!
He's a strange git sometimes - not knowing Michelle was an art therapist...
not even knowing the fucking place's phone number...
Rant, rant, rant.
26/5/96: Went to see "Smoke" - v good. Last Dennis Potters on telly
- crap. L applying for Haringey Mind job.
I'm at work now and there's a foul smell downstairs. I
noticed it last week (Tuesday) and it's been getting worse, the freezer packed
up because it was so filthy and the repair men won't fix it because they say
there's a dead rat underneath. I doubt that but it is disgusting.
I had a few words with Jon before we left work. He said he was angry - I could
tell that. But I invited him to tell me what he was angry about, and he did:
he said he resented having to justify his actions to me all the time. I was
surprised, though I knew the specific incident which had caused this current
situation (but which I think is probably the tip of an iceberg that may be linked
with me not going in on Thursday for supervision etc): (Oh, here we go again...)
There was a day trip ticket in an envelope on the wall, with a note saying "reserved
for Christina, still to pay" - I'd noticed this earlier in the day but
made no comment. So at about 6.30 Jon asked me how many tickets there were and
I said 3, but I wasn't sure what that was (indicating the ticket). Jon said
it's a ticket. I said yes, I know, but I didn't know why it was on the wall.
Join said it's for Christina. I raised my eyebrows, quizzically, and he started
to describe her. I said yes, I know who Christina is, but I don't know why it's
on the wall. Jon says he put it there because she came in earlier and wanted
a ticket and I said I thought we weren't letting people book tickets in advance,
that it was first come first served - and that's where the conflict came up.
Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I expect too much in the way of being included - oh,
look, he can be hypocritical and impulsive, changing his moods and replies to
suit the way he feels. I try to maintain a consistency and it annoys me when
anyone - especially Jon - steps in and disregards the decisions we've made.
He said maybe we need a policy for tickets, we haven't got enough policies (irony)
- but we didn't have any before he arrived! Now we've got smoking policy, food
policy, music policy, ah fuck it.
31/5/96: To Cardiff to see Mame. Long walks.
13/6/96: Gig in Brighton, stayed in Zetters' flat, day trip 14th & Emil
& Felix
20/6/96: to Sarah's to celebrate anniversary. Has Matthew quit the band?
20/6/96: I have supervision with Jon later on today, I'm not looking forward
to it particularly because I feel I want to criticise him as a manager over
certain issues. Most annoying, perhaps, is his inability to do anything about
the photocopier - which is still broken after several months and all he will
say is that he's written to them and the ball is in their court. But also his
continual breaking of boundaries and decisions - the holding back of a ticket
for someone, the sitting in the back yard with D and C long after we were shut
- and his "care plan" for D which consists of forming a band with
him! I can only try and keep my mouth shut, hope that somehow he gets caught
out, or someone else will challenge him over something. It's not my role to
do that, but I wonder how long I can go on being supervised by (or continue
to work in a place which is run by) someone whose practise I do not agree with,
or approve of...
Jon said that he thought the biggest problem was in the name of the staff group
("sensitivity group") and Katy described herself as Tigger ("bouncy,
bouncy") with nothing to talk about today - conveniently avoiding our disagreement
last week. And then later Jon commented that she was dim, and couldn't turn
the fire alarms off, but "she looks good, doesn't she?" - wanker.
And what about "one of the things we know about black people is that they
are loud"? I think someone should thump him!
21/6/96: Tillie came to live with us.
22/6/96: My 40th, dinner in Thai Garden & L, B&G, A&S, P&J,
si & Mame. Great, there till 2, home till 4. Cherry tree, food processor,
panama hat etc.
25/6/96: Ben over with Si & Andy
29/6/96: Our al fresco jam session garden party
I can't continue to work under Jon, I disagree too strongly with so much of
what he's doing.
F wants to leave and I can't be bothered to try and keep him here. He's so hard
to work with, won't do anything or say anything except "ah, Jayzus, Jerry,
the panic and unreality have been real bad". How do they feel? "Like
panic and unreality". He was so bad last week he got up, had breakfast,
read the paper and went back to bed. And he blames his current poor state of
health on the fact that his local shop had sold out of the Sun and he had to
go to another one. Bollocks.
3/7/96: L interview for Mind in Haringey, then William Morris & Harrods.
5/7/96: Scheaffer nib replaced, Barry Linehan dead.
7/7/96: Jesus, he's got a nerve... I was in the office this morning, doing his
fucking quarterly returns (and he can fucking whistle if he wants them, now)
when I found the minutes of the centre meeting on Wednesday. I thought I might
type them out, but the very first thing on the written minutes is "Jon
asked did people like the way the minutes had been typed, there was a discussion
and it was decided they were too complicated and formal". Well fuck him,
I'm not doing them any more.
I'm a bit fed up with Jon again - this time over me implementing the damn smoking
policy and then HE fucking overrules me and waives it! Bloody hell, I can't
do anything right! So now I'm taking the day off sick. Fuck work and Jon's plans
for reorganisation.
I hear from Jane that Jon is planning to do breakfasts here. And I hear from
A that he has told her she can come to the catering meetings. I hear from a
little voice inside me that once again I'm very unhappy about things. Did I
finish my moan about the smoking on Monday? Because what happened was that there
was no cook and no food and I stopped people smoking between 12 and 2. There
was some complaining and moaning but I stuck to my guns and said that the fact
that there was no food was irrelevant, that there was no smoking allowed between
12 and 2. So I went out for 10 minutes, came back and everybody was smoking.
Apparently Jon had told them they could - "just this once". What kind
of a thing is that to do? It undermines my authority and makes me look a fool.
We had decided months ago to be firm about this - and it was this very issue
that led to the fight between R and J! Oh, get me out of here...
And Jane says that Jon told her not to bother with sandwiches for a while...
14/7/96: L's pre-brithda at Banners
15/7/96: L's brithda in Cambridge. Also tube strikes, quite a few gigs with
Malcolm inc Blackheath and smoky Ealing, Jon annoying me, Alo on rotten drums
18/7/96: Councillor Rossi's visit
18/7/96: Louise's women's day, me exiled up West with wobbly knees to follow
22/7/96: Social do at work with "Take Time Out"
24/7/96: Epson colour printer & Omnipage Pro
26/7/96: L didn't get the job... a temporary breakdown.
28/7/96: Barry & George's garden party
29/7/96: Mental Health Talking Group starts
30/7/96: Placed ad for Canon printer in Loot
1/8/96: I walked into a glass (Woolworth) door. Feeling "weak in the knees",
L watching Olympics - holiday in Rome?
10/8/96: Gig with Barry Wickens
12/8/96: Armed siege in Balham, Focus 2001 keyboard fucked
Travelling
Fucking stinky guy behind me on the bus, serious fag smell - you know like when
someone puts out a half-smoked fag and then carries it with them? He smells
like he's carrying a hundred of them. I feel tainted.
German tosser on the tube talking about "galfanissed steel scroos, damached
sreads, ve tried drilling ze smoll pilot hole but it vould not take ze sree
mill scroos" and some English bloke agreeing with him - is this what they
do for a living? Manufacture and/or sell screws? And is this the way they talk
to each other when they're not at work? Oh dear... "Ve're still strukkling
to get our product specified zere"...
13/8/96: No holiday in Rome (no cheap flights), PC graphics card fucked
16/8/96: Day trip to Chessington
19/8/96: Katy leaves - a nice e-mail from Tony Y!
21/8/96: Exchanged spare Office 95 for MGA Millenium
25/8/96: Emil to stay Sat & Sun, Mum & Bakers over as well!
28/8/96: Sold printer to Bosnians
29/8/96: Ben Andy over, me pissed & v hung over next day when Izzy &
Anne came to dinner!
31/8/96: Shopping (Tott Hale) for Emil to paint windows, I bought a suitcase,
watched Beetlejuice
1/9/96: Eurostar to Paris and 2 weeks in France. Villeneuve-Les-Avignon, Sete,
St. Jean-de-Luz, Ile de Re again.
1/9/96: Pinch punch off to Paris for lunch. Well, dinner
anyway. L in shower, Tillie romping on top of me in bed, me looking forward
to going but a bit sad somehow about leaving cats & flat - worried, too,
whether cats will still be here (& alive) when we return. Do cats run away
if they feel abandoned? Dunno...
8.45am, train leaves Waterloo 11.57 & arrives in Paris 3 hours later at
3.56 European time. I don't seem to be as worried as I once might have been
about going under the channel, I guess enough trains have made it through to
convince me that they don't all drown in collapsing tunnels. I only hope we'll
have enough money!
A sad (to me) image of little Tillie wandering off into the garden just before
we left - oh, I do worry and hope she'll be ok... I'm sure she will, and there's
nothing I can do now anyway, so stop it. Look forward to the future, the next
two weeks...
2/9/96: Better this morning than last night!
3/9/96: So: We left London 11.57am and arrived in Paris-Nord at 15.56 local
time, then a lady taxi driver took us to the Hotel Ideal, on the slopes of Montmartre.
A barely adequate room - clean & dry sheets but nothing else to recommend
it. Wallpaper peeling, plugs that didn't fit the sink or bidet, no hot water,
2 out of 3 lamps working, you get the picture (yes we see). A balcony with wobbly
wrought iron railings overlooking the Rue des Trois Freres - but less then 5
minutes walk from the funicular railway up to Sacre Coeur, our first stop after
booking in.
I'm writing this on the TGV from Paris to Marseilles, having decided to go OTT
and spend as much as my VISA will allow in order to have a good holiday. Money
worries have been much on my mind the last 2 days, with everything being much
more expensive than I'd anticipated or planned for, but now I think fuck it
we're on holiday let's enjoy ourselves.
Yesterday was the grand Champs Elysees - Eiffel Tower - Louvre tour but we were
both knackered and a bit fratchety by the time we went hunting for somewhere
to eat (chicken livers / aubergine coulis followed by steak & chips). A
bottle of wine cheered us up but didn't solve the problem of aching feet &
legs! The previous night we walked round Montmartre looking for a restaurant
recommended in the rough guide but it was a bit naff, atmosphere-wise, with
hardly any choice to the menu. I had a mixed platter inc pigeon legs & goats
cheese, L had something else, then we both had Ris d'Agneau - which I should
have known was sweetbreads.
Coffee roughly £1.50 for a tiny espresso, my indigestion has been bad
but so far ok today. Back to the scenery...
5.10pm, hotel l'Atelier, Villeneuve-les-Avignon. Un peu plus cher qu'a Paris,
mais quel difference!!!
4/9/96: It rained all day yesterday after we left Paris, but this morning the
sun is shining, the air is still and luvly.
5/9/96: This morning I 'ave ze constipatione, j'ai pas bien shitte d'apres nous
avons quitte Londres. No accents on this so words don't make sense. Yesterday
was fab, we walked in to Avignon, where I bought f1,000 on Visa, and then back
by bus to Fort Phillippe le Bel, a bloody great stone tower with great views
over the Rhone. Back into town & discovered a swimming pool which was incredibly
warm so swim swim beer beer back for dinner dinner of baguette (bugger these
repeats), camembert, pate de campagne, olives & tomato, then relax on bed
& plan, then up to the Fort Castle Andre by floodlight, then brandy. A relaxing
day despite all the moving about!
Weather fab & hot today, as yesterday, so (natch) we're going on a bus journey.
Only 40 mins and St Remy sounds great, then back later for more relax &
swim. Tomorrow we leave here (boo hoo) and go - I think - to Sete (might revise
that later).
I bin bit! Bloody mosquitos... Anyway, another nice day. St Remy a bit disappointing
but still v. nice, then back for another swim & rooftop dinner. A "siesta"
and here I am at 9.20pm. I've booked us in to the Hotel Grand for 3 nights at
f300 per night, my bloody VISA bill will be huge but rather that than a shit
holiday. Next time be prepared, because £600 will get you nowhere in France!
L bathing, 10.06pm, me reading about Sete. Seems a decent enough place to stay
for 3 nights, within reach of Agde and Montpellier. L drying hair now.
6/9/96: Whether to eat here, or go out for breakfast? Me, I think the coffee
will be better elsewhere - although the setting is lovely.
7/9/96: Sete is indeed very nice, a bustling fishing port with so many restaurants
it's hard to decide where to eat. We stopped off briefly at Montpellier yesterday
but I didn't recognise it at all - surprised? The Grand Hotel here is indeed
just that, with a central hole with a lounge at the bottom and all the rooms
arranged around it. Today we're climbing up the hill through the "forests"
to get an overview of the island and see if there are any decent-looking beaches,
and that will help us decide whether to stay 2 nights or 3.
8/9/96: Beach good & 13km long - we're staying. Last night was some kind
of festival, brass bands playing v. late after river jousting. One more day
here then off to St Jean de Luz tomorrow, heading back slowly - sadly!
I'm enjoying myself, obviously. Weather great, not too hot but constant sunshine
until about 7pm. Back to the beach today probably, and what else? A slap-up
meal tonight courtesy of my Visa card, and an early start tomorrow to Carcassonne
en route to the West coast.
9/9/96: And what a journey it's going to be! 6½ hours on the train, through
the Pyrenees, via Carcassonne, to the Basque country. Yum. I had bouillabaisse
last night and L had sea bass.
On the train, 1h15m en retard, going West at last. Some kind of a fire back
at Marseilles? Sete to Beziers (here) then on. I am a bit worried that the train
will fill up later (we're sitting in seats which have been reserved from Toulouse)
although at the moment it's not too bad. Last night I dreamed of a song "the
road behind the lens" which I might try to write at some point. Narbonne,
now Carcassonne, Castelnaudary...
The train filled up with "squaddies" in Toulouse - they're very well
behaved & I have a grudging respect for their CO. Passing through the foothills
of the Pyrenees, sky cloudy but countryside magnificent. Tarbes next, then Lourdes
(yuk - hello Katy!), then North and down to sea level. I don't know how much
time we've made up but I suspect we won't reach our destination before 8 this
evening.
10/9/96: Another palpable hit, this S-J-D-L. More sun this morning, a lovely
harbour & bay, dinner last night a decidedly average poulet basqueaise but
we'll find better. Hotel opposite the station & adequate for our needs.
Actually Lourdes was in a lovely setting, a pity about all the God stuff. The
train journey was most enjoyable despite being nearly 7 hours and me worrying
about going through the mountains AND BY THE WAY: "It's abnormal, unusual
and unfounded. More people die in cars then planes. When did I last hear of
a train being derailed in the Pyrenees? Or falling off a viaduct? Or crashing
into another, mid-tunnel?" (WRITTEN ON THE TRAIN YESTERDAY).
Sorry about the caps, forgot to turn them off. Looked at 2 different Basque
churches today, in Ciboure and sjdl, very impressive indeed. Lazed on the beach
pm, Atlantic warmer than Med! Now 7.50pm, lazing on the bed while L in bath,
gamba tails mixing with Grants whisky in tumtum.
11/9/96: Later, we went out for a nightcap - 1 Johnnie Walker + 1 ruby port
= f55! Bluddy hell... Out shoppinx this am at "Casino" (= Londis?)
for wine and provisions for domani, previously to buy tickets for the TGV tomorrow.
Tonight we go to a concert, but Ravel or de Falla? Not sure!
Going out shortly for a meal in la Sardinerie, followed by a concert in the
Maurice Ravel auditorium by some pupils at his academy, then home for kip and
up & out North tomorrow. No swim today, just wandering... My mind wanders
to Janet de Pelagia - who she?
Go to La Rochelle via Bordeaux tomorrow. Schindler's lift!
12/9/96: The concert was very pleasant, some nice pieces including one interesting
violin & cello duet by a young composer who was sitting just in front of
us. We're on the TGV now (10.10am) just arriving at Bayonne. And now heading
for Bordeaux, the train seems to have more Spaniards than French. Perhaps it
came from Madrid, or somewhere?
We're heading North on a small 2-carriage train, passing through Saintes shortly.
There was a song that I started writing the last time I was here: "Gare
de Saintes, 3.45" or whatever the time was then, after chicken & chips
on the station platform. Nice it was, too, if I remember correctly! Or was it
"... Dimanche matin"? I forget... Anyway I must have changed trains
there coming from Royan to the Ile de Re. Yes?
1.35pm, the sky is still blue but clouds are more frequent now as we travel
North. The sun feels hot from inside the train but I doubt that it will be swimming
weather in an hour or so.
Well I never, back in the old Hippocampe in La Flotte. Lovely little place,
I'm glad I came back - and L seems to like it, too. We are both, however, chronically
constipated - I haven't been unaided since we left bloody Waterloo!
13/9/96: Friday 13th, last day boo hoo. Breakfasting soon after an interesting
night, what with church bells every half hour and a drunken woman trying to
get into our room late last night. Beds, also, interesting, springs boinging
through thin sheets - fun, though!
14/9/96: On the TGV to Paris, 11.55am. The "Rebus" was very full &
slow & I worried about arriving at La Rochelle to find all the seats taken
on this train, but all's well. Nice holiday, nearly over now!
And now back on Eurostar on our way out of France.
2.23pm, about 4½ hours from home and everything that may, or may not,
await us there. Will both cats still be there, fit and well? Will Emil have
painted the windows? Will Izzy & Anne be there, and will they have cooked
for us?
Sky cloudy, we have now reached our maximum speed of 300km/h. Hey ho. Due in
London 6.13pm local time - "Giles, Honda have reported a motorbike which
does 0-60 in 2 seconds" says the git opposite me.
15/9/96: Back home & all is well, that's a relief. Tillie seems to have
grown a heck of a lot and Maggie seems even huger, but they are alive and well.
Phew.
18/9/96: I dreamed I was trying to combine therapy work with picture framing,
and after I saw B in the basement and C in the shop, Don B got pissed and smashed
my s3. Somehow I ended up jamming with Dr Strangely Strange on top of the Eiffel
tower, but I was scared and came down.
23/9/96: Back to work. Also gigging in O'Neills with Mal, Gubble, and begin
to apply for jobs. DB back on GLR, Jon off 2 weeks paternity leave.
3/10/96: Mandy Allwood loses her octuplets, Van Gogh Dave died of a heroin overdose.
5/10/96: Fitted new worktop with Pete
11/10/96: I am going in to work today filled with opposition for what Jon is
doing, and planning to do, at Bedford Hill. Louise said, last night, that he
is going to try to stop working weekends or in the cafe - what a fucking hypocrite!
And now OMWH after another day of ups and downs, infuriations and achievements.
The first with Jon, who pronounces and "states his conclusions at the beginning
of the meeting" and is now telling us that different is, by definition,
unequal - when didn't we say "different therefore equal" in our policy
statement? Oh, he's up the fucking wall... And also my "colleagues",
who have little or no respect for my asking them to do something - oh, I want
out!
21/10/96: Day trip to Chiltern brewery and Bicester shopping village
22/10/96: Tillie "done"
24/10/96: Went to see HIGN4U being filmed with Emil
Thinking of leaving
I spoke to the DSS and employment agency today, they advised strongly against
voluntarily leaving work without any alternative work to go to. And yet... I
was thinking, this morning, about borrowing a further £5000 from the A&L
on my mortgage. I'd pay back my £2000 loan (PC), pay off Visa, and have
about £2000 to subsidise 2 gigs a week. I should be able to survive like
that for 3 or 4 months at least, and if I can't get it together to earn a living
either self-employed or getting some job or other in 3 or 4 months then I'm
a pretty sorry kind of bloke.
And with 3 months off (say) I could rewrite the script, get in several application
forms, have a serious go at doing some cards and/or publicity work, and not
really be any worse off than if I stayed at 1BH. There seems to be plenty of
low-paid work about, and if I have to do a few gigs to subsidise that - well,
isn't it better than staying at 1BH? Because the place is dying on its feet,
man. Staff are either leaving (if they can, being agency workers) or else so
depressed and low in morale that we're just fucking miserable.
SO: On Wednesday I'll go and register with Reliance in Chancery Lane - they
have the contract for Haringey's social care staff - and then to the library
for some CV samples from Adult Directions, and then to the A&L to see the
manager about getting some more money. WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE??? Because, in
a way, leaving/handing in my notice would simplify things. Instead of "If
I leave, what will I do?", the first part of that is lopped off and the
question becomes a simple, rather than a compound one: "What am I going
to do"? And there are options. Typing, WP, secretarial, I could do all
that - IF I pulled my finger out and also used the 3 months to learn Access/Excel/Powerpoint
properly. And improve my typing. I can do it!
I know it's going to be hard to leave the place - not to mention the clients
& users who see it all going down the toilet - but I have to accept that
I have lost this battle and I couldn't make it better even if I stayed. I've
given the place nearly 8 years of my life, that's enough. It's someone else's
turn. It's sad if it has to die, but I can't let that ruin my life too.
I looked in the Balham Job Centre today, idly wondering
about prospects. There was a job advertised for somebody to turn lobsters over!!!
Apparently when they transport lobsters they sometimes get accidentally turned
over onto their backs and they can't breathe or something, and so somebody has
to keep an eye on them and turn over any that get into difficulties. I could
do that - gissa job!
25/10/96: Met Roger and family
3/11/96: Earls Court residency starts, Sat nights, me thinking of leaving BH.
CV, job apps...
5/11/96: I'm pretty certain that Jon is getting more than
his fair share of scapegoated and transferential feelings from me, but since
we are no longer encouraged to explore and work through these things he can
fucking keep them.
6/11/96: Fucking hell, Jon's off sick. Bugger him! I'm on a d/o, so it doesn't
directly affect me, but Louise rang me from work this morning well pissed off.
I bet! Off for 2½ weeks, back for one day and then off sick. Shades of
Andrew, or bloody malingering? Fucking manager??? He's useless!!!
It seems like Michelle has a similar feeling to me with regards to working shifts
with Jon, ie we don't like it. And L finds him such a difficult man to be with
- so do we all, but she's supposed to be his deputy! And he can be so tactless,
so unhelpful. He doesn't complement anybody on a job well done, or acknowledge
the amount of time and effort that's gone in to something, he just tells us
he wants it different.
9/11/96: Bonfire with Will, Jess, Izzy & Anne
12/11/96: Handed in notice.
12/11/96: I think it's today. I think I'll hand in my notice this morning and
aim to leave in four weeks and four days, on Friday 13th December, and celebrate
by going to Stan Tracey's 70th birthday gig at the QEH. We discussed it last
night when I got home after a rotten, busy, late shift, and I really can't see
any reason to delay.
Done it. DONE IT! Handed in notice, leaving as above. What a relief! Alam unexpectedly
shocked, Michelle a bit less so, L knew, Jon ok, Janet leaving next week anyway,
and so it goes. Question is, now what???
Go home and have a quiet panic, I suppose. Buy some ham and some coffee, just
as if it was a normal day, then watch Food & Drink, have a couple of drinks,
go to bed, carry on for 31 more days. And counting... "What have you done
today to move forward"? - Quite a lot, actually!
18/11/96: Wandsworth Arts Festival inc magazine & "Tone Dimension"
jazz band (!)
23/11/96: Jan Garbarek @ Festival Hall
31/11/96: To Brighton for w/e
9/12/96: I got the Psion job from over 200 CVs!
12/12/96: Jeremy Browning left No. 1 Bedford Hill
Part 9) Working for Psion Software
13/12/96: Stan Tracey's 70th bd @ Festival Hall
21/12/96: Gig with Narcissus/Pete & blues band
25/12/96: Xmas - Fairport tickets, brandy & glass
26/12/96: Evita at Muswell Hill Odeon
31/12/96: New year's eve in Ilford & Mal, L & Yolanda